Masculinity Under Patriarchy

A word on why "toxic" masculinity is a patriarchal lie.

“Toxic masculinity defines manhood very narrowly in terms of violence, sex, status, and aggression,” - Cambridge Online Dictionary

The term “Toxic Masculinity” is widely used as a catch-all for misogynistic and violent actions and words men take against women and non-men. The idea that the only way that men can be dangerous for women and non-men is to be outwardly misogynistic- that they must be loudly broadcasting these vile thoughts about both themselves and those they consider beneath them- to be able to inflict harm is… incorrect. Why? “Toxic Masculinity” is just masculinity under Patriarchy.

Masculinity is the oppression. Masculinity is the violence. Masculinity is the danger.

The Intersection of Patriarchy and White Supremacy:

Patriarchal oppression, as we know it today, is not just your run of the mill systemic oppression. Facets of Patriarchy have been absorbed into White Supremacy; these two systems have now created an almost symbiotic relationship to each other. They both need the other to sustain themselves, which has created a hybrid structure that brings forth violence systemically and socially in an intersection.

This intersection has led to a complete reshaping of how Patriarchy affects all classes, all races, all cultures. One example of these systems working together is the Nuclear Family Model. The push for hyper-individualism broke down multi-generational homes- pushing out aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents- and restructuring the family unit under a Patriarchal model with the father on top as the leader, mother beneath him, and the children at the bottom. Putting these facets of both Patriarchy and White Supremacy together ultimately led to more gender-based oppression not just in society, but within the confines of the home. Men becoming the head of the household led to the push for society’s expectation of Masculinity to be the forefront, the default, and the control.

Because of the relationship between these systems, and all the -isms and phobias that are encompassed by them both (fatphobia, queerphobia, misogynoir, anti-natalism to name a few) Masculinity is now wielded as a weapon; it has been turned from existing as just a list of characteristics able to be held by men, women, and non-men, into a boot stepping on the necks of those it seeks to suffocate.

“Good” vs “Bad” Masculinity, and the lack of a difference:

I often hear of what supposedly encompasses “Toxic” vs “Good” Masculinity.

“Toxic” Masculinity is vile, chauvinist, loud, violent, in your face. It’s men sneering at openly showing emotions, and throwing vitriol at those that do. It’s men openly reducing women to sexual conquests, yet shaming them for being sexual beings. It’s men expecting Martha Stewart style homemaking, Mother Theresa nurturing, pornstar-style fucking, and childlike submission from their girlfriends and wives. It’s men subjecting women to physical and sexual violence to show the power they hold over them in society.

“Good” Masculinity is leadership, emotional regularity, protection of the vulnerable, empathy, softness. It’s men using their power in society to make people listen to the plights of marginalized groups. It’s men learning to be vulnerable and encouraging their counterparts to do the same. It’s men recognizing their women and femme partners are complex human beings with their own thoughts, emotions, and personalities outside of servicing them.

How on Earth, can I see a comparison between the two? They are so different, aren’t they?

If we are looking at the root of it, which is Patriarchy, the answer is no. The categorization of Masculinity and Femininity has been used as a tool of division, not just pushing men and non-men away from each other, but dividing us into a top-down hierarchy with men at the head. The idea of Masculinity and Femininity, under Patriarchy specifically, are seen as innate bio-essentialist traits. Masculinity being the blueprint of what it means to hold the power within this structure. Even with recognizing the difference in the expression of Masculinity within society, good or bad, the power it holds is the same.

The idea that there is a difference between the two is complacency within our own oppression. It is looking at the loud, angry, scary expression of Masculinity and attempting to find solace in the quiet, reserved, welcoming expression of Masculinity. It is looking at the system we are subjected to, and deciding it is better to align with the niceties of the “good ones”.

This push for a distinction between “good” and “bad” masculinity, categorizes men between “safe” and “unsafe” men. And I want to remind everyone:

“It’s all men, until it’s no men.”

Masculinity is, and will always will be, a tool of Patriarchy:

No matter what way you frame it, dissect it, twist it around, Masculinity has always been used to oppress under Patriarchy. The idea that there is, or has ever been, a “good” Masculinity is a Patriarchal lie made to make women and non-men placate to the overarching structure. It is used as almost a “gotcha” to show that it’s not just Masculinity, but “bad men” using Masculinity as an excuse to be that way. I want us to start moving away from this language, and start critiquing the system that created this categorization in the first place. We must start pointing out that both men and non-men possess these traits that are so desirable in Masculinity, yet are shamed in Femininity. It is, as always, the socialization of the sexes under a Patriarchal structure that push the idea that these innate differences are what lead to our “rightful place.”